The Melheimian Sabbatiblog

Davey's Not the Same

One of my "kids" died yesterday.

I remember a crazy night on a play trip back in the 80s when I was a long-haired youth pastor with a scraggly beard and a Norwegian Afro and David Holland was a sophomore sitting in his wheel chair working our sound/lights. 120 kids, two weeks on the road, early mornings, late nights, lots of love and laughs and fun, and lots of depth of thought, care, prayer and meaning.

In the middle of a dark sanctuary after a very long day, Matt Holland (the brother in the children's book "Mickey's Not the Same") picks up David and about six guys join him. They hoist him onto their shoulders like a huge log (he was pretty big by then) and start carrying him out of the room. Someone stubbed their toe in the dark, the lifters shifted weight, almost dropping Dave, and there, in that space and sacred moment, one of the lifters whispered... a small profanity! David burst out with a huge gasped "Haaaaaaaw" and the whole assembly joined him.

There is no such thing as sacred and secular. Holy and profane. Sanctuary and world. Insiders and outsiders. Gifted and non-gifted. Half and whole. When you are One in love, one in mission, one in friendship, one in care, all is sacred. All is holy. All is sanctuary. All are insiders. All are gifted. All are whole.

David, what joy you brought to your world. Matt and Eric would not be the men they are today if not for you.

What joy your memory brings. What depth your depth called forth. What friendships your friendship spawned.

What life your life still gives.

Best Darn Nerve Fertilizer (BDNF)

Just finished reading "SPARK" by Dr. John Ratey. http://www.amazon.com/dp/0316113506/ref=rdr_ext_tmb

It explains the neurology of exercise and the BDNF* (I call it the "Best Darn Nerve Fertilizer") He make a pretty compelling argument for how exercise is the magic Miracle Grow that helps the brain pay attention, learn and remember. BDNF acts on certain neurons of the central nervous system and the peripheral nervous system, helping to support the survival of existing neurons, and encourage the growth and differentiation of new neurons and synapses. In the brain, it is active in the hippocampus (where you learn new things), cortex (where you process what you already know and connect the new), and basal forebrain (the part of the brain that produces a chemi...cal vital in transmiting information from neuron to neuron). These are all areas vital to learning, memory, and higher thinking. BDNF is important for anything you learn to turn into long-term memory. After reading the book, it got me seriously thinking:

WHY WOULD YOU EVER sit a kid at a table or desk to learn anything?

WHY WOULD YOU EVER have them cross their legs and sit quietly on the floor as you teach?

WHY WOULD YOU EVER have them listen to you talk for 5, 10, 15 minutes in a pew without doing ANYTHING physical with what they just learned?

This is a no-brainer because it's a whole brainer.

Solution: Treadmills instead of pews.

No. Really.

I'm so proud of my kids. If I die tomorrow, I can live with that.

A CHRISTMAS SERMON FOR COLLEGE KIDS

"Christians are xxxxheads," a college kid I love and respect recently said to me. This wonderful, fun, caring, passionate young man was baptized and nurtured in my church. He grew up singing in the choir, helping with countless vacation bible schools and bible camps. He was a leader on mission trips, sang the liturgy in worship, and played guitar in the worship bands. It almost made me cry.

I had to hold my tongue.

I wanted to respond "You mean young people who put roofs on poor peoples' houses during spring break instead of getting drunk and screwed are xxxxheads? You mean people who leave a big buck career and devote themselves to the poor and needy are xxxheads? You mean people who stand up against injustice and put their lives on the line for others they don't even know are xxxxheads? You mean people who turn the other cheek, forgive those who spit at them, and would rather take a bullet than pull the trigger are xxxheads?

The first Sabbath Jesus returned home after he started his ministry, his church elders asked him to say a few words. He asked for the scroll of the prophet Isaiah and outlined right then and there what his mission was: "The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to bring good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim release to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, to let the oppressed go free,  to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor."

People bringing good news to the poor... xxxx heads?
People bringing release to captives and sight to the blind... xxxheads?
People working to let the oppressed go free... xxxheads?
People proclaiming the "yom yahweh" (the Jubaliee when all debts were to be forgiven, all families indentured into servitude were released, all lands lost because of bad dealings, stealings and misfortune returned)... these are xxxheads?

If you have anything to say to the 18-28 year old this Christmas, let it be this:

When you were baptized you were branded with the mark that stands for total, complete, unwavering, fiercely passionate love. You belong to the greatest love in the universe. A love that would DIE for the friend. A love that would SACRIFICE for the poor. A love that would GIVE ANYTHING to bring health and wholeness to the downtrodden. A love that would GO TO THE GRAVE for the undeserving... even the ones who would spit in its face and spit at its faith.

Christians may be xxxheads, but Jesus is not. He's the most radically pure and righteous, tough and tender man who ever lived.

And I believe... no... I know he is the will of God incarnate. The work of God in flesh. The wisdom of God - the impossible wisdom that gives us the free will to nail him to a tree and ignore him and call his people to a higher calling then they could ever acheive because, as humans, yes, they are xxxheads.

May we, the xxxheads marked with his mark, rise up above and beyond our xxxheadedness and cry out to the one who was marked and beaten, scarred and stripped, nailed and impaled along with our sins to a tree.

And with all our hearts and passions and energies and failings and frailings, may we bow down in tears and prayer and brokenness and say, "Please, Jesus, please come to me, work through me, hold me and mold me, break me and shake me and finally remake me into the very likeness of You. The essence of love. The person you dream me to be, so that in your name the good news may be proclaimed to the poor this day, in all I do and all I say. So that in your name, the captives may be released and the sight restored through my actions. So that in your name, the oppressed in body, in spirit, in economies may be saved from the systems that bing them and lifted from chains that hold them down. So that in your name, the day may be proclaimed when your will, YOUR WILL, not that of the xxxxheaded people who bear your name so lightly, YOUR WILL will be done on earth as in heaven.

You were marked with the mark of the greatest love in the universe. It's a love that will never let you go. A love that wants to live in you, through you, with you, to you. Please don't throw that mark away. The world desperately needs it... and you... and Jesus. Amen.

Facial Expression To Use When A Parent Wants To Drop Off Their Child At Church And Go For Coffee While You Baby-Sit Them

Giving Up on Parental Participation?

I recently read a blog saying that “Parents are not interested in being an active part of their kids' Christian education," and all but giving up on trying to get them on board for the adolescent confirmation ministry years.

This is a huge challenge for the church… but one that I think can be solved by simply reframing what confirmation is based on our expectations of what we are trying to accomplish. I’m doing my doctorate at the moment with Len Sweet and company. My dissertation is on “the meaning of meaning in family ministry in a post-Gutenberg Neo-Google world.” As part of my research, I’ve done about 90 video interviews with philosophers, sociologists, psychologists, neurologists, educators, pastors, parents, teens, children and even a couple of movie producers. My book “the meaning of meaning” won’t be out until spring 2013, but let me give you a glimpse into the section on the future of children, youth and family ministry I envision.

Meaningful Adolescent (confirmation) Ministry

I’ve been in youth ministry for 30 years as an ordained pastor, and the deeper I’ve gotten into this, the more I’m seeing the need for a major paradigm shift. To put it simply, we’ve got to stop doing confirmation ministry for parents, and start doing it with parents. We’ve got to stop trying to do confirmation ministry one day a week starting it in adolescence, and start doing it every night in every home – starting at baptism. How’s that for a paradigm shift? If you want to be really radical (ie, Latin for “of the root”) you would start when a family comes in for a baptism and simply tell parents that you want to help them keep the promise they make to God on baptism day. The way you can help them is to give them a few simple faith practices to do nightly with their child, and then call them to incorporate them into the bedtime routine. What I see as the core of faith incubation – the FAITH 5 (Faith Acts In The Home) http://www.faithink.com/Inkubators/f5.asp

If this is the beginning of the confirmation process, and it is followed through to the doorstep of adolescence, the “getting the parents on board” will be no problem at all. That’s the long-view. Now let’s talk about the short term. What to do with a parent who drops their kid off at confirmation and expects you to give them some magical “religious fix” in an hour a week that will miraculously transform them into a confirmed mature Christian… without their participation.

PARENTUS ABSCOUNDICUS

Put as simply as possible, I would turn into a real bear and start telling people if they want their kid there, they will be there with them. Sounds harsh? Let me explain. Better yet, let me reframe. How can the church expect to take a kid full of adolescent hormones who gets off a bus with a Mountain Dew and a Twinkie in hand at the end of a long school day and expect to teach them ANYTHING in 52 minutes that won’t be undone by hormones, schedules, media and God knows what during the other 10, 028 minutes that week. We’re idiots to think we can get much of anything substantial done. A systems thinker would NEVER attempt to fix a broken system by ignoring the most important component of the system. Parents have been, are and always will be the most important part of the faith incubation/formation system.

If I were back in the parish, I would simply refuse to play the afterschool babysitting game we call confirmation ever again. Putting one poor pastor or teacher in a room filled with hormonal adolescents is neither good nor salutatory. Neither is it kind nor smart. Jesus already paid for your sins. You shouldn’t have to.

THE QUESTION
The number one question that one must ask about confirmation is: “What are we trying to accomplish here?” (Begin with the end in sight.) If the answer is to do information instead of faith formation, we might as well cancel the show. If you insist on sitting them down on a hard chair, giving them a cold lecture, and watching them walk out the door on confirmation day singing “Na na na na, hey hey, goodbye” for the closing hymn on confirmation day, you are guilty of a tremendous malfeasance and waste of two of God’s most precious assets – youth and time.

If the answer to the “what are we trying to accomplish” question is to create passionate and grounded disciples of Jesus Christ who know the faith, practice the faith, and live in the love and grace of God as God touches the world through them, then that’s something worth investing in. It’s also a goal worth considering building a team around, and taking a long, hard look at finding the most effective means, the most dedicated people, and the most effective times to apply the most effective means and dedicated people.

LEARNING LANGUAGE

The most effective way to learn a language is to immerse yourself in the culture of that language. A class one hour a week is just not going to do it. The most effective way to learn the language of faith is to immerse the child in a culture of faith. And the best place to do that? The home. The best time? Neurology would tell you it’s not Sunday morning at 9 am or Wednesday night at 7. It’s bedtime. If discipleship is to be the result, then discipleship must be modeled by the primary caregivers every night. They say “you can’t be what you can’t see.” The most important thing a systems thinker can do is to bring the parents on board as early as possible and call them to do and be what they first promised God they’d do and be when they brought that child to the font.

GETTING THE KID DONE vs GETTING THE DISCIPLE STARTED
If parents just want their kid to go to a class and get some catechism, I’d invite them to consider finding another church where they can get the kid “done” in six weeks. Harsh? Keep reading. If, however, the parents’ deep desire and dream is to keep their family together in a world that could tear them apart, and they’re open to partnering with the church as allies in that process, I’d tell them you’d be honored.

Tell them that you will make their dream your personal goal, prayer and priority. You will do everything in your power to keep the arteries of caring, open, prayerful communication open every night of their teen’s life at the core of your program. I’d then tell them that your system starts with parents committing to take the faith journey WITH their teens. I would create a blessing service where parents and kids covenant to going through the confirmation years together by…

1. Committing to being with you weekly (or bi-weekly) as you unveil key themes that can help them in their family life. (Lord’s Prayer, Ten Commandments, Creed, Sacraments, Life of Jesus, etc.)

2. Committing to being in worship together whenever they are in town, and to setting aside Sabbath time together when they are our of town

3. (And here’s the clincher paradigm shifter) Committing to a short nightly check-in where they share their highs and lows, review the key scripture or catechism theme, try to relate/apply the verse of Bible story to their highs and lows, pray a short prayer for one another and bless one another before turning the lights out on the day.

Finally, I’d let them know that you will PERSONALLY commit to helping them keep their relationship strong, but any parent who didn’t want to do this with their kid would need to tell you WHICH adult (sponsor, godparent, friend) they want checking in with their teen each night for the next two or three years. NOT having a mentor will NOT be an option in your program.

SETTING THE BAR HIGH
My favorite church doing this really well is First Lutheran in West Fargo, ND. There is no drop off Sunday School or Confirmation program at this church any longer. Parents expect to attend with their kids. Amy Kippen, director of Family Faith Formation, has 71% of her dads there every week.

“Wherever you set the bar, that’s where the bulk of your people will be three years from now,” says Amy. “If you say, ‘just drop off the kids and we’ll teach them for you,’ most of the parents will be happy to do just that. We tend to settle for the least common denominator, so if the expectations are low, we’ll be happy to meet them.” If you say, “Please come for the opening each week, because that’s where we unveil the theme for your nightly check-in and we want you to all be on the same page,” three years from now, every parent will be coming in for the opening. If you say “Please come in for the opening AND the closing, because we’ll be ending with a special prayer and blessing that you can use each week,” most of your parents will be there for both three years from today. If you say, “As long as you’re here for the opening and closing, you might as well stay for the teaching time so you know what your kid is learning,” that’s where most people will be three years from today. Set the bar high and stick to it, and you’ll get what you stick to.

THE FORMULA: MEM + MDP + MET = MFM

So here’s the vision and formula for maximum family ministry with maximum parental participation.

Most Effective Means (teaching with multiple intelligences in mind at church and worship) + Most Dedicated People (parents would take a bullet for their kids…. Who are you going to find more dedicated than that?) + Most Effective Time (the neurology of sleep suggests that the last five minutes of the day are the most effective time for the human brain to learn something… something that their brains will go over and over during a good night’s sleep as the brain searches to make meaning of new material by connecting it with old knowledge) = Maximum Faith Meaning.

Or Maximum Family Ministry.

Or a confirmation program that is more process than program, more parental than professional, and more powerful than any 52 minute religious “quick fix” you could apply to any hormonally challenged adolescent who gets off the bus with a Mountain Dew and a Twinkie in their hand expecting you to teach them something. 

In “Almost Christian” Kendra Creasy Dean tells us we’re losing 90% of our kids. If implementing such a program in your church caused such a problem that 80% of the families left the church but you were able to plug the remaining 20% faithful to grow into incubators of faith and midwives of true young disciples, you’d still be a tremendous success.

You'd go from keeping 10% to keeping 20%.

That's 100% improvement.

Blessings and courage to you as you think and dream, conspire and gather co-conspirators, try and fail, and try again WITH the parents at the core of your new family ministry model.

GOING DOWN UNDER AND "BACK TO THE FUTURE" FOR LUTHERAN CONFIRMATION

What's the future of Lutheran confirmation?

A trip to the historic Lutheran heritage museum in the quaint little town of Hahndorf, AU, might give you one surprising answer.

Rev. Mark Hansen treated me to a little trip into the history of Lutherans in the Adelaide Hills country one day a few years back. We entered the museum and found a plaque on the wall that told visitors what the pastor expected of parents each week. Turns out pastor interested in teaching hormonally challenged teenagers the catechism each week. He wanted the education done and done right, so he enlisted - required - that the parents show up for class once each week! The parents would come, get their instructions from the pastor, then go back home to teach their OWN children!

If you happen to be Lutheran and want to be radical (as in "of the roots!"), the future of Lutheran confirmation may look a lot more like the past.

Here's a little something to ponder with your education committee this month:

In the Large Catechism explanations of the Commandments, after saying we need to "take care to preach on the Catechism frequently and to impress it upon our youth, not in a lofty and learned manner but briefly and simply , so that it may penetrate deeply into their minds and remain fixed in their memories..." and after Luther calls folks who don't do their duty "potbellied blockheads" and "drunken swine" (don't you just love Luther!) the good doctor writes:

"It helps to form the habit of commending ourselves each day to God - our soul and body, wife, children, servants, and all we have... thus has originated and continued among us the custom of saying grace and returning thanks at meals and saying other prayers for both morning and evening."

Each day? Maybe confirmation shouldn't happen once a week, but at every meal?

Luther continues: "With childish and playful methods... we should bring up our youth in the fear and honor of God so that the 1st and 2nd Commandments may be familiar and constantly practiced."

Childish and playful? My goodness. Does that look like confirmation class?

And there's more: "This I say plainly for the sake of the young, so that it may sink into their minds, for when we preach to children, we must also speak their language."

One must ask, "what is the language of youth today?" Music? Technology? Social networks? Yes, all of the above. But I'd argue that loving communication and personal care trumps all of those languages. And who better to bring that love and care of Christ than the parents, every night in every home! What's more, the language of sharing "highs and lows" of
the day is always powerful and effective.

Luther continues we are to "do this to hear and discuss God's Word, and then praise God with song and prayers" and then adds "There should be worship daily..."

Worship daily? Why not bring worth to God (woerthe = praise, schippe = the vehicle or ship that brings it) every night in every home?

Finally you gotta love old Martin's German brusqueness as he rails against the "dead drunk swine who only from force of habit go hear preaching and depart again with as little knowledge of the Word at the end of the year as at the beginning."

So... you gotta ask yourself, what would Luther, himself, say is the best place and time to do confirmation? And, would our current parentless confirmation class for adolescents be the model he would choose?

Let me get on my high horse for a moment and dare you to say something like this to your educational leadership next time you meet:

IF WE DO NOTHING ELSE DURING THE CONFIRMATION YEARS, WE GOTTA GET PARENTS TO COMMIT WITH THEIR KIDS TO COME TO
WORSHIP/CHURCH WHERE I WILL DO MY BEST TO EXPLAIN THE BASICS OF THE FAITH SIMPLY AND BEAUTIFULLY, AND THEN CALL THEM TO CONSIDER MY SIMPLE TEACHING AS THE STARTING POINT OF A NIGHTLY FAITH ENCOUNTER. I WILL ASK THEM TO GO OVER THE WEEK'S SIMPLE TEACHING (COMMANDMENT, PETITION, CREEDAL THOUGHT, SACRAMENTAL TEACHING) ALONG WITH THEIR HIGHS AND LOWS AND PRAYERS EVERY NIGHT BEFORE THEY TURN OUT THE LIGHTS ON THE DAY.

As far as I'm concerned, there's your family faith revolution in a nutshell. There's your remedial adult education course for adults who never would take one. There's your new Bible literacy program. There's your new small group prayer ministry that meets every night. And that's the only catechism class you need: small group ministry that gathers with every single young person in the church once a week with a talented and passionate teacher, then goes HOME to nightly impress the truth and beauty and love of God into their lives along with the bedtime ritual.

And if you're a systems thinker, why would you ever START this confirmation process at adolescence?

You wouldn't. You'd start confirmation in the cradle, support it every year of the kids life with faith stepping stone promises at the altar and recommencements with kneeling and laying on of hands, and put the whole enchilada on relational steroids the moment the hormones start flying. You'd call the parents to the joy and responsibility of raising their children in the truth, the knowledge, and the fear of the Lord. You'd ask them all to come together for the training at chruch, then return home to wrestle with your simple teaching and relate it to their nightly highs and lows and prayers and blessings.

Kill the age-segregated, parentless confirmation class before it kills you... and before it kills the church. Resurrect confirmation ministry as nightly family ministry. Redefine family ministry as families doing ministry. Go "back to the future" by calling parents into the core of confirmation ministry - not the sidelines. And watch the beauty unfold.

Blessings on your work today!

Rev. Rich Melheim

PS - Now that I look at it, this might be a good sidebar article for The Lutheran, your regional papers, or some other venue. Use it as you see fit.

Bedtime Reflections, 9.11.01

If you're still looking for a 2 minute close to your 911 sermon, here's something I wrote and titled "Bedtime Reflections" on 9.11.01:

I put my babies to bed tonight with a more somber tone than
usual. Normally if they have their teeth brushed and “jammies”
on by 8 PM we do a little kick boxing, pillow fighting
... and weight training before our nightly devotions and prayers.
(“Way to calm us down, dad!”) But instead of our routine of
raucous fun, this night started out on a more sedate tone.We
began with the story of Jesus’ arrest in Matthew 26 and the
“put away your sword” command.We talked about the violence
done to Jesus, about his unwillingness to allow a follower
to pick up the sword in his defense and his strange
surrender to evil. “Those who live by the sword will die by
the sword,” Jesus told his friends. It’s not the answer.Violence
only causes more violence.
We spoke of our sorrow for the unspeakable tragedy of the
morning.We shared “Highs & Lows” for the day and a little
discussion.We prayed for the poor and powerless of the
world who often pay the price for the sins of their leaders
or a few fanatics in their midst.Then I found myself blessing
my 12 year old football player, Kathryn, and eight year old
Lego grandmaster, Joseph, with the strangest blessing they’ve
ever received: “I hope this is the darkest night of your life,” I
whispered.“I hope and pray this is the most hateful, evil night
you will ever know.”
I’m not sure my not-so-little ones fully understood what
their crazy dad was saying as I knelt down to kiss their foreheads.
I’m not sure I understood it, either. But deep down I
fear the 911 call on 9.11.01 was only the first of many uglier
nights. For when our collective national shock turns to anger
- and it will - and that anger turns to rage,we may soon find
our nation but a trip-wire away from the kind of blind stupidity
that lashes out at the innocent along with the guilty in
some foreign land half a world away. And that, dear friends,
will only plant the seeds for many,many more nights like this.
“I hope this is your darkest night, dear Kathryn and Joseph.
The most hateful, evil night you will ever know.” - RAM

Saccades and Fixations

Interesting quesiton this morning from Peter Eckerman, our national director of FINK Australia, on a disruptive little trick I embedded in the Bible Song theme slides. Here's Peter's email, and my response.

Subject: Bible Song Review

Hi Rich,

In connection with a Bible Song Review:
I regularly receive comments on the theme review. Theme titles that enter from above, below and from the right as you look at the screen are all easily readable as they appear but theme titles that appear from the left as you look at the screen are difficult to read. In my home BS it creates a little disruption as children call out the titles with some children scrambling for their journals and some struggling to guess. Probably only minor in the big picture. If this could be changed it would be helpful.

 

Peter,

We could change it easy enough, but just so you know, having 1/4 of the titles come in from the left was a deliberate brain teaser.

Making the brain anticipate, work, and try to figure things out creates both better attention and retention. If they kids are actually scrambling for their journals GREAT!

In "Proust and the Squid" brain researcher Maryanne Wolf talks about the eye and how it darts back and forth and fixing on the known while scrambling for the unknown by reading forward and then going back. (It's called "saccades and fixations" for anyone who likes these things.) The brain loves puzzles, and loves the satisfaction of trying to figure things out. An unstimulated brain simply shuts off, or looks elsewhere for a challenge.

Case in point:

The polar bears at the San Diego Zoo were getting progressively moodier and dangerous. They brought in an animal psychologist who spent a few hours with them and announced: "They're dreadfully understimulated. Bored. They no longer have to work for their food or use their thinking skills. Here's what you do: You put their fish in a block of floating ice one day. You hang it from a tree the next. You put it in a container they have to figure out how to open the next. Etc."

The bears perked up and everyone was happy.

Anyway, I understand it would be easier to feed them all easy words (above, below, right), but having 1/4 of the titles involve just a little more work is just enough to keep them on their toes.

I'll put this on the list of future notes, but for now you know the meaning behind the maddness.

Rich

(PS - Get that book if you are looking for a fascinating view on how to make meaning in the slightly disordered brain.)

Bible Cartoon Gallery Idea

Ginger Shields, Director of Children's Ministry at West Market Street UMC in Greensboro, NC, came up with a great idea to decorate her church hallways with the Bible Song art on one side and her kid's art on the other.

If you want to find out how she got the big frames done, contact gshields@wmsumc.org.